The Student

It was two months into Dad’s battle with cancer that God gave me Sir Mr. Dr. (we will call him Sir Dr. Mr. to protect his identity.) Sir Mr. Dr. was a 17 year old student who had been suspended, withdrawn, enrolled, re-enrolled, and moved high schools, DAEPs and Juvenile over 22 times. At first, Sir Mr. Dr. hardly had anything to do with me. He would hardly talk when he came into my class. He usually had a very serious, tough look on his face and didnt smile too much but when he did smile, it could light up the whole room. I knew the first time I met him that he was someone very special. I could tell he had some anger and trust issues and if I would just be patient maybe he would open up. It only took about four days before I had his trust enough for him to say “go ahead ask me anything and I will  tell you the truth”. So, I sat down and asked him many question, questions about his childhood, his family, his friends, his drug history and much much more. He openly answered everything I asked. It was at this moment that I knew God put him infront of me for a reason. In many ways Sir Mr. Dr. was the male version of myself at seventeen. Yes, he had more of a challenging past than I and he experienced more difficulties and let downs than I but his love of family, love of life, eagerness to learn and thrill of adventure was much like me when I was his age. Just as I started losing a little joy in life, this amazingly brilliant student was put in front me. He tested me and questioned me in ways that I hadnt been tested or questioned yet as a teacher. He made me remember my true reason for wanting to teach. He asked me regularly how my dad was doing and when he did he looked at me and waited as I answered, it was never just a way to greet me, it was true concern. For months he made me laugh on a daily basis while constantly pushing me to learn more and more Geometry and Algebra and it slowly became a competition of who could get the answer right the fastest. The summer was slowly approaching and so were my dads final days. The last week of school i ended up staying in Austin to be with dad in his final days. Sir Mr. Dr. promised he wouldn’t get a tattoo on his face that he had been contenplating for a while. I know that summer can have its way of erasing some of the great strides teachers make throughout the school year but I was hopeful that he would return to PVA in the fall. While staying in Austin at my dad’s it grew harder and harder to leave the house if even for a moment. I was afraid I would miss something important and i was afraid to be away from dad. After listening to multiple reasons why I should get out of the house if even for just a moment I realized it might be a good idea after all I was going a little stir crazy. So Christy took me to the mall, a mall that is right around the corner from my dads house that Ive been to many many times. We ended up getting a little lost. Maybe it was because I hadn’t slept in weeks or maybe it was a little sign from God. We ended up lost in a neighborhood and turned onto a street named Palambra (we will call it that to protect its real name) and if it wasn’t for the picture of the street sign I took, I wouldn’t have believed this happened weeks later. You see, the tattoo Sir Dr. Mr. had been wanting was a letter, a letter that represented a street he associated himself with, a street that meant drugs, danger, stealing, lies, gangs, and much more. But this street was important to him, it means something to him, whether good or bad, he feels it is important. The street that was so evident in Sir Dr. Mr’s life was in fact Palambra. The same name of the same street I ended up lost on while on the way to a mall I had been too many many times. This is what I remember as my first sign from God that Sir Mr. Dr. would be an important part of my life for many years, he also made it clear to me that no matter what, I should always support and believe in him and believe that what he says is true. The next week my dad passed away, it was June 11th 2013. Around 6:00 that evening I got a call from one of my recent graduates, Hazel, when I answered the phone it was Sir Mr. Dr’s voice that I heard on the phone. He said “Mrs. Francko how are you?” I told him I was good but that just that morning my dad had passed away. He was silent for a minute then said “I’m sorry miss but I’m glad I called.” After taking a few weeks for myself during the summer I returned to school to finish up some paperwork and start preparing for the next year when I found a letter on my desk. Sir Mr. Dr. had left a note that said “I came to summer school just for Mrs. Franco and you aren’t even here, hope you have a great summer.” What a great note to find upon my return. I began to feel more and more hopeful that he would in fact return to PVA for the next school year. The week before school started I kept checking registration to see if Sir. Dr. Mr. had enrolled, he hadn’t. As I was working on organizing my class I heard someone try to open the front door of the school but it was locked. When I finally looked up, I saw Fabian. I almost tripped over a box because I took off so quick and was so surprised. As I opened the door, I saw a black A tattoo on his face. I couldn’t believe it, I wanted to scream!!! BUt….I didn’t, instead I gave him a big hug! I was so thrilled he was there. I hope one day Sir Mr. Dr. will see in himself what I have seen in him since the first time we ever spoke.

The goats

So, I’m walking up to school and see Mr. Preza’s carrying a crate. Immediately I’m thinking I can’t wait to see the puppy. Little to my surprise, he is carrying 3 goats. These arent just any goats, they are the cutest goats I have ever seen. One is JP, one is Goatee, and my personal favorite, Bob. As I sat there holding them and kissing them I kept thinking how much my Dad would love these little babies. I took a picture of one of them kissing me and thought for a minute, who should I send the pic to? All I could think was how much my Dad would love them and how I cant believe I cant send him this picture. It happens in the strangest moment…without any warning….one minute I’m getting to work and petting goats and the next moment I am missing my dad so much that my chest gets heavy and all I want is a hug from him. I convince Mr. Preza’s to let me take the goats with me to my class during mentoring so my mentees can play with them. As we sit there chatting about goats I am amazed by the joy and gentleness these little goats bring to certain students, certain students that need a little extra joy and gentleness in their life. Throughout that day my mind wandered and wandered, thinking about how much dad loved animals, any animal. I thought about how his love for animals probably helped mold him into such a kind, gentle, loving man. Anyone that loved Gods creatures, ALL of God’s creatures as much as my dad did had to be a great man. Some of the students and even staff looked at me like I was crazy when I kissed these little babies but they brought me such peace that day. Being reminded of my dad in this simple, subtle little ways has a way of calming my heart. Not even a week after the baby goats are at school there is a stray, injured dog in the school greenhouse. Ms. Cardona tells me that he is injured and asks me what we should do. Being the animal loving, sucker that I am, I go out to the greenhouse to see the dog. I see that its a pit-bull mix but has the sweetest little face and eyes, full of pain and sadness. He lets me walk all the way up to him and sit next to him for a while. I could see that he has a badly injured leg and needs medical care. After sitting there and talking to him for a while I let him smell my hand and gently pet him. He leaned his whole head into my hand while I gently scratched the side of his face telling him what a sweet baby he is. As he began to gently lick my hand I was once again consumed with an overwhelming feeling of loss and began to miss my dad so much that it hurt. I was immediately reminded of the days and nights I spent next to him there at the end. I kept thinking “this dog is in pain and scared and doesn’t want to be alone.” Those are the same thoughts I had about my Dad. I would give anything to have one more next to my dad, laying there scratching his arm and cuddled up next to him listening to his breath.

Link

Said goodbye,
Turned around and you were gone, gone, gone…
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away.

But I won’t cry ’cause I know,
I’ll never be lonely,
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow.

I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, oh…
Til I see you again.

I can hear those echos in the wind at night
Calling me back in time, back to you.
In a place far away where the water meets the sky,
The thought of it makes me smile.
You are my tomorrow.

I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, oh…
Til I see you again.

Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking…
But I stay strong and I hold on
Cause I know…

I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, yeah yea

I will see you again, woah.
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me, oh…
Til I see you again.

Til I see you again…

Til I see you again… yeah yeah yea oh woah.

Til I see you again.

Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/carrie_underwood/

THE FINAL DAYS

I found myself laying next to Dad more and more every day. All I wanted was to hold him and be near him all day. The farther and farther he slipped away, the tighter I wanted to hold on to him. I told him how much I loved him and would miss him but that he needed to go on to heaven and end this suffering. I would ask him if he was scared and he said “no”, I asked if he had seen angels and he said “what? yes, yes I have.” He would talk to angels that I couldn’t see and I was so comforted. He got to the point where he had a very difficult time speaking and finding words so I would tell him to wiggle his finger up and down if the answer was yes. I would only ask yes or no questions and it worked well. His mind was still there. He had some moments of complete clarity where he would speak so clearly and these moments I began waiting for, searching for, needing and I couldn’t stand the thought of not being there for one of them. After 6 days straight of being in the house and not leaving at all “we” decided it would be good for me to get out for a bit because I was starting to lose it. I had spent about 10 minutes with Dad and Traylor as Traylor and I sat there crying and crying. This was the first and only time I would cry to Dad about how much I love him and will miss him. My Dad and I always had the kind of relationship where we could cry and be there for each other no matter what and this is just what was needed. I then went out shopping for a bit and when I returned I snuck in bed next to Dad and apologized to him for crying like that but thank you for letting me because I needed it. Clear as day he said “it didn’t bother me in the least and I’m glad you did.” I stopped and stared at him almost in shock, this was one of those rare moments of clarity I waited for. I told him goodnight and went to bed but could not sleep.

The next day I laid with him playing all of my favorite songs and playing some of his as well. I started playing Christmas music which always made him more calm if he started getting frustrated or uncomfortable. He started holding my hand a lot more rather than just me holding his. Every time I would move or try to leave the room he would squeeze my hand so tight. I knew he didn’t want to be alone. Peter and I asked him again if he was scared and he said yes. at one point he sat up and said “family” so we all gathered around, he asked for Coco (Corrie) and when we were all in there he laid down and went to sleep. I knew without a doubt he wanted to be surrounded by all of us. I knew he did not want to be alone but the difficult part was convincing everyone else. Everyone wanted to try leaving him alone some so I agreed. We left him alone once for 30 min and once for 45, not to mention the day I had gone out shopping and was gone for three hours. I knew it would make everyone else feel better if we gave him alone time so I did it. I knew he wouldn’t leave this world without me by his side. This is something I had prayed about, thought about and even dreamt about. It was very clear to me that Dad didn’t want to be alone when he left this world and entered heaven. On the morning he slipped away it would be all too obvious.

I had begun sleeping in a chair next to Dads side of the bed and also administering his night time meds. Everyone had gone to bed and Corrie and I had just settled down next to him for the night when he began throwing up. He was very uncomfortable and we felt we should get Traylor, Peter, Christy, and Andi in there immediately. Hospice was on their way and I could feel this was his last few minutes. With Christmas songs playing we all had our specific duty that we were doing and I remembering looking around the room in complete calmness thinking “how am I so calm right now?”. We propped him up so he wouldn’t choke and the hospice nurse, Kimmie walked us through each phase and told us we were doing great. He slowly slipped away and I remember that last breathe so vividly and I remember looking right at Traylor and asking “was that it?” and it was.

We kissed him, we held him, we cried and we cursed at the cancer as it died. I laid there hugging him until the mortician arrived. I was so glad the suffering was over but so sad he was gone.

Today is one month.

Text Messages From Dad

I can still remember back in June 2006 when I texted my Dad from my Social Deviance course I was taking during my last semester at Texas State. He called me right back and said “I don’t do texts.” It was so funny because the very next day he called me and I was in class and didn’t answer. What do you think he did 2 minutes later? Yes, he texted me. It was important and he realized how convenient texts could really be. After that, he was hooked. I am so glad he decided that he “does do” texts because that is why I have been able to get the kindest texts the past 6 months.

I had just gotten back to San Antonio and it was so hard not to be there with him!!! When Dad’s pain peaks he doesn’t use his phone or check messages or anything. I hadn’t heard his voice in about 2 days so I went on MDAnderson’s website and looked at the volunteer services page to see if I could send him something, anything, to let him know I was thinking of him. I found a section where I could send a note. I typed out the words “I love you this much!” then I put a very specific note for the volunteer that said ” when you tell him I love him, please open your arms very wide. I assumed they would verbally tell him my message but they didn’t. They printed out my words and gave it to him but he still knew exactly what I meant. Since I was a little girl my Dad would draw a stick person with their arms really really long and open and would write “I love you this much.” It quickly became my favorite part of every letter, note, and card that my Dad gave me. I received the following text when he got my note:

Dad: I must luv u more cause my arms are longer!!! Just got your msg sweet heart! You are a mess!
Loren: Did they open their arms when they said it?
Dad: No, it was in an envelope, sorry, but I could see you opening your arms, that was so clever.

 

My Dad and Peter

I still remember the first time my dad met Peter. Dad, Malcolm, and Jim were camping out by Johnson City (I think) waiting for the “go girls” to finish up fitness camp. Peter, Coco (the dog) and I packed our tent and headed up there. Dad had reserved a camp site for us that was real close to the motor home. It was a beautiful park with a nice big pool and beautiful trees. As we got out of Peters truck my Dad walked up to him and shook his hand, they instantly got a long really well. Peter told my Dad all about the bait shop and fishing and Dad told Peter stories about hunting. This might have been the moment I knew Peter and I were a serious thing. Later that day we all went kayaking and it was an absolute blast. Jim fell out of the kayak on some rapids and I think he lost his wallet or phone or something that you should never have in your pockets when kayaking;) Shortly after we got back to the campsite, the “go girls” showed up. I think they were in my Dad’s big white Excursion because I remember thinking Corrie looked so tiny in that big vehicle! As they pulled in Coco (the dog) and I walked over to them and they all saw Peter sitting there talking to my Dad. I remember Corrie saying “ooh Loren, he is so handsome.” The rest of the weekend was a blast. Before we left on Sunday we stopped at a little diner to eat breakfast and Peter tried to buy my Dad and Corrie’s breakfast. Haha, I guess I didn’t warn him that it would be next to impossible to do so unless you sneak the money to the waitress. Peter thanked him for everything and my Dad said something along the lines of “can’t wait to do it again.” My Dad had met all of my boyfriend’s since I was a Freshman in high school and this is the first time I remember thinking “aw, Dad really really likes him.” “Likes” him would soon turn out to be an understatement. Over the next year Dad would come to San Antonio and take us out to dinner or we would go to Austin for dinner and Dad and Peter would sit and talk and laugh for hours. We went to one of Dad’s AWWC Cookouts and Peter became his cooking assistant (that’s a big honor in Dad’s eyes.) One weekend Dad was working out on the church property and needed help deconstructing an old house. Traylor was already coming to help and Dad asked Peter if he wanted to and Peter did. You would think it would be hard, boring work but you would be WRONG. Every time I went out to check on them or take them food they were cracking up, chasing each other with a chain saw, getting stung by bees and laughing, or playing on a little back hoe looking machine.

When I called Dad to tell him Peter and I were getting married he said “oh, that’s wonderful” then I followed it up with “and I’m having a baby”, he got choked up and told me I had found a wonderful guy and he couldn’t be happier. Later that week, Andrea, Daniel, Gamma, Corrie, Dad, and I met at Kobe Steakhouse in San Marcos to share the good news and it turns out Dad and Corrie had good news of their own, they were also getting married!!!! Maybe we inspired them;) The next few months were a whirl wind, I was emotional, sick, and stressed. The night before our wedding, Dad was so excited to take Peter out and do a bachelor party type thing. Traylor, Dad, Peter and a few more guys went out and had a blast (I won’t even ask what they did.) On the evening of my wedding right before Dad walked me down the isle he gave me a beautiful, silver James Avery cross necklace. He told me how happy he was that I found such a good guy and there was no doubt in his mind that Peter would NEVER do anything to harm me. He said he knew that Peter would always take care of me and make me happy. I loved that he felt that way, it was so reassuring. I wish I could find that cross necklace, especially times like now but I’m afraid its long gone. Three months after our wedding, Dad and Corrie were getting married. Dad wanted Traylor and Peter to stay with him at the motor home and go out bachelor partying. I’m pretty sure they had a blast judging by how tired they were the next day.

Over the next 5 years Dad would invite us to hundreds of different things, sometimes just Peter. We would go camping, go to the beach, go tailgating, and more. Every time he went fishing he asked Peter to go, usually he couldn’t because of work but its the thought that counts. He bought Peter his first gun and second and  third.  He taught Peter how to hunt which Peter never thought he would enjoy, turns out he was wrong, he loved it!!!  Dad was with him when he shot his first deer. Peter shot the first time and missed then the deer came back and Peter got so excited he shot without putting his ear plugs back in. Dad lovingly called him an idiot;)

Dad and Peter liked to “gang” up on me and tell funny Loren stories, it was cute. Dad loves Peter so much and Peter loves him. Once again, I am very blessed.

Papa

This was notably dad’s strangest doctor.

Dallas first real fishing trip. Canyon Lake with PAPA.

Dallas’s 4th Birthday with the traveling petting zoo. I knew Dad would love it more than the kids!

The youngest grand baby is actually a strawberry.

Mothers Day Program at Dallas’s school

That is waaaaaaay too many Cobb men in one place!

This is when we knew it was nap time.

Dallas’s favorite dancing buddy, Papa

That’s the IV pole we named Garwood after Dad’s dog because it followed him everywhere just like Garwood.

FAVORITE PICTURE EVER!!!!!!!

The power of burnt orange.

The Purple Bracelets

Now its June. I feel like all I do now is sit and wait. Every time my dad makes a noise I wonder if it’s his last. I keep finding myself looking for signs that the end is near. I love laying next to him and holding his hand while he sleeps. As I laid there holding his hand today I kept looking at our matching bracelets. We both have purple “Say It Fight It Cure It” bracelets in honor of Pancreatic Cancer. I start to think about the first time I put my purple bracelet on and what it meant to me then. In December, my bracelet represented hope for my dad. The purple bracelet represented a journey we were about to all take together. I loved my purple bracelet so so much and NEVER took it off. The meaning of my purple bracelet has changed some. It still represents hope for my dad, hope that he will have peace and happiness his last days rather than hope he will be cured (although that hope may be there a little:). The bracelet still represents our journey together but instead of representing the beginning of our journey, it represents the beginning, middle, and almost end.

I’m suddenly reminded of a text message my dad sent me and my brother on December 10th:

I wanted u two to wake up to good news this morning. I had a great night, lots of sleep, no pain to speak of. Te Chen, pronounced Trayshawn, the nurse that we love so much was back and she pampered me. We got the pain under control, and now I have had so much sleep, I can’t sleep. Both of you were life savers and I thank you so much for helping Corrie and I and for giving up so much time. I love you so much.

This is my dad, this is my dad the way I will always remember him, kind, caring, compassionate, selfless, cheerful, and eager to make others happy. You see, my dad knew that every time my brother and I left MDAnderson we were worried sick. He knew that it was the worst drive home for us and that we immediately wished we were back with him. He also knew that the best thing he could possibly do for us is give us wonderful news first thing in the morning. So what did he do? He sent this text message at 6am the day after we had both left.

Madison’s Second Birthday

Madison’s 2nd Birthday was quickly approaching. For a year, Dad has had an RV spot reserved up by Traylors house and has been planning a huge birthday celebration weekend while we are up there for Maddie’s 2nd birthday. they had gone to Dallas to do blood work so see if he qualifies for the clinical trial he has so desperately been hoping and praying for. We didn’t know if he was accepted in trial yet but we did know that it would be better to have everyone over at dad and Corrie’s the weekend of Maddie’s birthday so dad could participate. We had a two day long Birthday/Memorial Day celebration. Traylor and Peter set  up tents, tables, bounce houses, little pools, water tables and prepared food. Traylor stood over in dads little outdoor kitchen flipping burgers and grilling hot dogs. He made me smile. I loved seeing so much of my dad in my brother.